Wierd Things at Hogwarts: The Sequel
by MochaKimono
Summary: No, wait, THIS is the silliest thing I have ever written.
1. People in the Halls

Wierd things at Hogwarts 2  
  
MeowthHB  
  
Disclaimer: WEEEEEEE WHOOOOOOT that was fun. I don't own anything. So nyah.  
  
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Trelawney was walking through the halls one day looking very fat. Just then Harry walked up and  
poked her tummy. "Does it kick when I do this? Does it kick when I do this?" He said annoyingly.  
She grabbed his hands and held them to his sides. "Stop poking the fetus, Potter, you wouldn't  
want to kill your own baby, would you?" She said seductively (don't ask, cuz I don't know).  
"OH MY FREAKING GOSH!" Somebody screamed from down the halls and fainted with a thud.  
"Wow, all this attention..." Harry said for no reason. "Reminds of the time when you and me on  
the school grounds..." he trailed off as Snape walked by wearing his usual black outfit. How-  
ever it was different this time because he had a sign taped to his back that said 'Me. You. No  
clothes. On the floor. Now.' Unfortunetely for Snapie, he had no clue that the affectionate hug  
Ginny had given him was related to it, since he didn't even know that he had a sign on him.  
"Uh, Sev..." Harry said. The professor stopped and ballet-twirled around to glare at him.  
"What do you want?" He snapped.  
"On your back..."  
"Huh?" Snape said as he felt his back by twisting an arm around his neck. "HEY! THat's it you  
stupid kid! Time to DIE!" He screamed as he leapt at Harry. Sybil jumped in front of Snape and  
they both tumbled onto the floor with Snape on top. A long, awkward moment of silence followed.  
"Get off my chick, pig." Harry said, but his words fell on deaf ears. Snape and Trelawney were   
making out in the halls. Feeling sick, Harry ran to the boys' bathroom located two feet away and   
puked repeatedly.  
"Gee wilikers, Harry, two gallons of it!" Came McGonagall's voice from the bathroom.  
"Minerva what the **** are you doing in the boys' bathroom?!" Came Fag's and Coil's at the same  
time.  
"Oh, this is the BOYS' bathroom? So that's why everyone's got their barn doors open." She said.  
Just then Ms. Know-It-All was walking past as she usually does in these awkward situations, and  
upon seeing the professors making out she said snoggishly "No, you're doing it ALL WRONG. Tre-  
lawney, I have plenty of experience in this field, let me show you how to do it." She then grab-  
bed Snape and gave him a passionate kiss on the lips, then threw him back to the floor.  
"Gadzooks!" He screamed. Sybil was just as surprised as he was. Just then, of course, Draco  
happened to walk by. "Herm! I thought you loved me!" He screamed and ran off, bawling like the  
baby he was, because Drab and Foil weren't around to make him look tough.  
She shrugged and walked into the boys' bathroom, where her and McGonagall noted the changing  
colors of Harry's vomit. Sybil and Snape went into the girls' bathroom and made out.  
Ron happened to also be walking down the halls and found Draco sobbing into a teddy bear and   
talking to it, too. "Oh Fuzzy Buzzy, you're the only one that understands my needs!" He cried.  
"Awww, Draco, poor you. Let's have a pity party." Ron teased. Suddenly the teddy bear's eyes  
glinted an evil purple color, and the thing grew to the size of a Hagrid, along with big fangs  
and claws, and then prodeeded in chasing Ron through Hogwarts.  
  
At lunch that day, Dumbledore cleared his throat. Alot. It turned out he was gagging on his own  
beard, so Pomfrey gave him the heimlich manouver, and a big gray hairball flew across the room  
to land in Justin Finch-Fletchley's goblet.  
"Oh, darn, that'll cover up the dead rat flavor." He whined. Then, meeting eyes with Madame  
Maxine (who conveniently had come to Hogwarts for a shore leave) said "You're hot." She looked  
disgusted and said something French to Albus, who nodded. "I've expelled him twice already, but  
he keeps coming backing. He's like a cockroach or something." He said.  
"CHILDREN!" He yelled. Nobody paid any attention. "OKAY YOU LITTLE BRATS, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP  
IN 2 SECONDS I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE VET AND HAVE YOU ALL NEUTERED!"  
Everyone silenced and looked to him. At that point Severus accidentily coughed. Albus slowly  
turned and leered at him. "You're going to the vet first thing tomorrow." He said evilly. Snape  
game a little whimper.  
"Okay, tonight is a ball! Not the yule ball, just a ball. So everyone better have good dance  
moves! And there will be alcohol..."-a loud cheer rose from the kids-"...and games." Dumbeldore  
said.  
"AHHHHHH help me!" A terrified scream came from behind a door, and Ron burst through it with the  
evil teddy in pursuit.  
"Elektronius!" Seamus Finnigan shouted, whipping out his wand. A lightnigg bolt flew from it   
and hit the bear, blowing it to bits. "NYUUUUU!" Draco screamed tearfully. "FUZZY BUZZY!" and ran   
off.  
"You people are all mental!" Maxine cried out in horror. "What's wrong with you?!"  
  
Meanwhile, at a random dark and scary dungeon thing...  
"I am the cliche bad guy, while you are my cliche comic relief sidekick!" Voldemort said to Worm-  
tail, who stood next to him.  
"I have spent a year concocting an evil plan which obviously can't fail! Although all my recent  
perfect evil plans did...but this one won't! Grrr, all my other plans could have worked too, if  
it wasn't for those pesky kids! Now we shall commence with pointless evil-sounding laughter.   
MUAHAHAHA!" Voldemort said.  
"M-m-master, have you considered a sh-shrink?" Peter said timidly.  
"Hisssss!" Voldemort said, and then got on all fours. "Moo! Neigh! Oink!"  
Staring wide-eyed at his psychotic master the whole time, Wormtail slowly backed out of the  
dungeon.  
  
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Okayyyyyy then...hee, is this funny enough for ya? Tell me!!!! PWEEEEZ r/r! (That means Reader  
Review, right? I hope so!) 


	2. And There Will be Alcohol!

Disclaimer: I own everything. I mean nothing. Heh. Heh heh.  
  
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That night...  
The hall was decorated beautifully. Everyone was in tuxes or dresses. Classical slow music was  
being played by ghosts. And most everyone was really drunk.  
Harry meandered up to Remus Lupin (he was there because he got a new job there), gave a long   
belch, and then said, "What is a pretty lady like you doing in a dump like this?"  
"I'm so offended!" Lupin said. "I'm on the janitorial team! We cleaned this place up ourselves!"  
"Sorry, miss, no offense intended."  
"Did someone say my name?!" Ms. Rekin screeched as she staggered up. "Whew! LIQUID FIRE!"  
A replying shout came from across the hall, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" and then a puking sound. Albus  
sat silently and soberly in his chair, hands on his lap, shaking his head. "Sigh...I can't be-  
lieve Madame Hooch had bought whiskey and no shot glasses. I had told her to get ale, but NOOOO,  
Miss. Broomstick just HAD to get whiskey!"  
"Uh, Dumbledore, I'm not saying you're wrong in your decisions or anything...but do I have to get  
nuteured?" Snape whined.  
"Shaddup, you greasy git!" Albus snapped. Snape seemed to be called that alot in the past five  
years. He moaned and sat on the corner edge of the Gryffindor table and sulked. Most kids were   
too drunk to care. Just then Hermione walked by, wearing a velvet black dress and carrying tons   
of books. She was sober, it seemed. Snape perked up and poked her in the shoulder. She stopped   
and looked at him. "Yes?" She said, dropping her books on Neville's feet with a crunch.  
"That kiss you gave me earlier..." He said sheepishly, blushing wildly. "...Well...it was...  
really romantic."  
"Really?" Her eyes sparkled. "Draco NEVER says that! All he wants is do it, do it, do it! You  
really appreciate me! Oh Snape!"  
"Oh Hermione!" They then held hands and ran off to the Slytherin boys' dorm (twice now Herm's   
been in there! Tsk tsk!).  
  
Meanwhile, in the same dark an dscary dungeon thing...  
"Hee hee titter giggle snort chuckle guffaw chortle!" Voldemort laughed, rubbing his hands to-  
gether. He had duct tape, a wand, clothes (duh), and floo powder. "I'm dun dun dun dun! VOLDIE-  
MAN!" He said, stirking a pose. He dumped the whole bucket of floo powder and dove into his fire-  
place. Though the fire was going, he still teleported to where he need to be. Slytherin Common   
Room. He rolled out of the fireplace and sneezed. Then again. "Oh no, I forgot I'm allergic to   
floo powder!" He exclaimed and continued sneezing. Just then Hermione came out in a blue bath-  
robe, accompanied by Snape in a pink bathrobe. All three of them stood frozen, staring at each   
other in surprise.  
"OH MY GOSH!" They all screamed, and dashed for the door. "Don't you dare tell anyone about us,  
Dark One!" Severus yelled as he gripped Voldemort's ankle and tripped him. Snape fell as well,   
causing Hermione to trip and fall on both of them.  
"Okay, okay, let me go!" Voldemort cried, smacking Snape's hand.  
"Owww..." Snape whimpered and held his hand protectively. Then Voldie spoke "Okay, I won't tell  
anyone about you two if you don't tell anyone I'm here!"  
The gruesome twosome stared at each other, wondering if this was a good idea. The idea of having  
their secret told made them decide not to let anyone know Voldemort was at Hogwarts.  
Voldemort snuck out and put duct tape of the Gray Lady's mouth, then tiptoed his way through the  
castle. Snape and Hermione also left after changing into regular clothes.  
When they got down there, they walked with their hands behind their back and whistled a merry  
tune as if they were hiding something. "Yeeee-up. If one thing's for sure, Voldemort is definet-  
ily NOT in Hogwarts right now." Herm said. Snape nodded. "Yeeee-up." He said.  
"Ah! Ow! Ooh! I'm having a baby!" Trelawney screamed, lying on the floor in a labor pose. "Help!"  
Justin Finch-Fletchley dove onto the long table, which she was near the end of, and slid on his  
belly towards her. Food flew everywhere from under him, splattering everyone nearby with sugary  
snacks and whiskey. "Never fear, JUSTIN'S HERE!" He yelled dramatically as he neared the end of  
the table. He flew off the edge and over Sybil's head, smacking face-first into the wall behind  
her. Just then Harry ran up.  
"My love! My baby!" He said, waving his arms wildly. "I'll get that baby out!" He then lifted her  
skirt, winced at the unpleasant site, and grabbed the baby's head. "UHHHG I think it's stuck!"  
"That's my foot you fool!" Trelawney screeched, slapping his wrist. Just then Poppy P. raced ov-  
er. "Oh, let me help her!" And with that she heaved Trelawney up and shoved her way to the hos-  
pital wing. Then the professor finally gave birth to twins. One had green eyes, messy dark hair,  
and was short (for a baby, I guess). The other had dark eyes, black hair and DUN DUN DUN: was  
glaring for no reason.  
"Ahhhhhh!" Trelawney screeched. "Oh, gee, how'd that happen?"  
Just then Snape came in, carrying Hermione in his arms. She also happened to be giving birth. "Oh  
for the love of pete! I never get a break! everyone's always breaking bones or having babies a-  
round here!" Madame Pomfrey said, throwing her hands up. She yanked Hermione from Sev's arms by  
her hair and threw her onto a gerney.  
With only one push, POP! Out came a a little baby. Black hair, rather large front teeth (don't   
ask why the baby was born with teeth), a hawk-like nose and sallow skin. Snape took one look at  
all of the babies, paled, and fainted in the doorway.  
"Oooh, finally a good doorstop!" Pomfrey said, and then looked at the babies. "Hmmm. Well, Tre-  
lawney's first one seems to be Potter's boy, and the both of the other babes are...Snape's."  
"What?! I don't know HOW mine is HIS baby...heh heh." Hermione said, looking around nervously at  
everyone.  
"What?! First you kiss him, now you're having his baby! I want a divorce!" Draco said, who had  
walked up just then. He ran off, sobbing uncontrollably.  
"Waiiiiit. You two ran off just today. How could you get pregnant and have a baby so fast?" Sybil  
asked Hermione.  
"Um...Well, tonight wasn't the first night." She responded, blushing. "I never looked pregnant  
because I used a spell to appear skinny." At this point Pomfrey was flushed with anger. "Why  
that SKANK!!! I thought he loved me!"  
Of course at that point Madame Hooch, Madame Maxine, and Professor Sprout walked up. "What  
the???" They all gasped upon hearing the previous sentences. Everyone stared at each other dur-  
and awkward moment of silence.  
  
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Um...no comment. O.o please review. CHEESE. Hee hee. 


	3. I've a Lovely Bunch of Babies

Disclaimer: I don't own anything EXCEPT for Ms. Rekin. She is of my own creation. Steal her and  
DIE. MUAHAHAHAHA!  
  
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Of course, Minerva and Argus walked in. The hospital wing was getting quite crowded by now.  
Mcgonagall gasped. "But...I thought after I broke up with him he'd quit finding girlfriends!" She  
said. Filch turned red with anger. "And WHEN did you break up with him?" He asked. She though for  
a long moment, counting her fingers. "About a week ago." She said. "WHAT?! But we've been togeth-  
er for a year now!" He yelled and started kicking Snape in the crotch. "I'll make sure nobody has  
his children again!"  
"Oh, quit it. He's going to get nuetered tomorrow anyway." Sprout snapped. Argus stopped. "He is?  
Oh, nevermind then." He said, shrugging. Justin Finch-Fletchley squeezed through the doorway, his  
head was flat on the top. "Help." He said. Then Neville limped in. "Hermione broke my toes!" He  
said. "Grrr, I don't wanna do any more work!" She said and took a swig of whiskey. "Sorry, I've  
had alcohol on the job. I'm not fit for work right now."  
And, of course, Ms. Rekin, Ginny, Alicia Spinnet, Lavender Brown, and Parvati Patil came in. "So,  
HOW many girls and women does that make, including us?" They said.  
"Oh dear." Pomfrey said. "Well, if you give birth anytime soon, DON'T COME RUNNING TO ME!"  
Just then Albus walked in. "Why is everyone in here? The party's getting boring!" He said. He  
suddenly poked Madame Maxine "Tag you're it!" he said and ran off. Everyone ran out at once,  
trampling the babies by accident. No one cared.  
Everyone got to the party again and began dancing. There was breakdancing, disco, the funky chic-  
ken, the boogie, the jitterbug, ballet, tango, and every other type of dance imaginable. But sud-  
denly all the lights turned off and the music stopped playing (the ghosts were...um...killed.)  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA hack hack cough cough!" Sounded through the room with a  
scary-sounding echo. Voldemort was standing on the teacher's table, grinning wickedly. "Now to  
kill Harry Potter once and for all! Where is he?" He said.  
"Over here! Oh, whoops." Harry said.  
Voldemort pulled his wand out and pointed it a at Harry. He opened his mouth to speak, but stood  
there blankly. "Oh, darn! I forgot the spell! Hmmm, what was it again?" He said.  
"Avada kadavra! Oops again." Harry said.  
"AHA! Yes, that's it! Thank you, but time to die." He said, and was about to shout the incantat-  
ion when he heard someone yell down the halls. "Here I come to save the day!" and Snape came run-  
ning at full tilt towards Voldemort. "Ah! No!" The Dark Lord cried as Severus leaped at him.  
They tumbled off the table and onto the floor (where else?) and wrestled. Voldemort's wand slip-  
ped from his hand and across the floor.  
"Die! Die! Die!" Snape said as he punched Voldemort's lights out. 


	4. Love and Buttgrabbing

Wierd Things at Hogwarts: The Sequel  
Chapter Four  
Disclaimer: Please oh please forgive me for this next chapter @.x it was taken from a rp with my friend Mina. At least some of it was. I own Ms. Rekin and nobody else.  
  
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Voldie finally escaped from the berserken Severus, though he had two black eyes (no, he had had three...o.o;; j/k) and a very bloody nose by now. "D*** you Snape! Go and ruin my plans why dontcha! FINE! SEE if I care!!!" He screams and disapparates. Hermione gives a gasping squeak of horror. "But...but...my book...it said you can't apparate or disapparate at Hogwarts!" Officially traumatized for life at the realization books aren't always right, she flees the room, bawling.  
Satisfied that he managed to humiliate the Dark Lord into running off like a sissy, Snape walks towards the hallway, conveniently passing Harry and slipping him a note at the same time. Blinking in confusion as is expected, Harry reads the note as Pomfrey revives the "killed" ghosts. He reads aloud,  
"Dear Harry,  
  
Meet me in the halls in 40 minutes  
  
Snapie-kins" (A/N: I utterly apologize Mina, that name is of my own twisted invention and is really screwed up=.=)  
Shrugging, Harry threw the letter on the floor. Lupin rushed over, looking miffed. "Arrh! I help clean this floor for hours and what happens?! Some stupid whelp throws a...suspicious...letter...on...the..." With a shifty-eyed glance, Remus picks the note up and mentally reads it. "Hmmm..."  
  
After the party, Ron, Hermione, and Harry were all surprised to find matching letters on their beds that read "Slumber party in Slytherin dorm tonight".  
Suddenly Harry ran off towards the halls. "What was that all about?" Ron asked Hermione, who shrugged.  
  
Skidding to a halt in the halls, Harry looked around for Snape. "Professor?" He asked.  
"I'm here...stupid kid..." Snape steps out from...somewhere. "I have something to confess." Severus leans down and looks deeply into Harry's eyes.  
"I'm...in love with..."  
  
Remus' mouth flew open in the semblance of a scream, but he caught his voice in time so as to not give away his presence in the shadows of the hall. Merely hearing the word "love" escape from Severus' lips was enough to send anyone into a mad panic. Rather frightened by now and not knowing what else to do, Remus snuck off and then ran as soon as he was sure he was out of earshot of the two.  
  
Harry nearly fainted at the last word.  
"...in love with...Weasley."  
"Which one, Preofessor?"  
"All of them."  
Harry stood on tiptoes and pressed a hand to Snape's forhead. "Are you feeling okay?" He asked with a raised brow.  
"Don't touch me, boy!" Snape hissed, swatting the hand away. Harry mimicked him while rolling his own eyes "Don't touch me! Wahhh!"  
Severus leered evilly. "Harry, do you want a spanking?"  
Harry froze with sheer terror. Then with a mischievious grin, he took off. "You'll have to catch me first!"  
"Nooo! Harry, you have to tell the Weasleys I love them!" The greasy professor shouted, eyes tearing up, "I'm in looove!"  
Harry ran faster, or at least meant to. Instead he rammed right into somebody and fell backwards. He grabbed about madly for something to hold on to, and found purchase.  
  
Lupin heard a distant shout and the sounds of speedy footfalls and was certain Snape was coming to murder him for eavesdropping. Instead, he was rammed into and then grabbed in a place he'd rather not be grabbed in...  
  
"Potter! Will you please let go of my rear?" Remus said to the boy. Harry let go and slumped to the floor. "First a teacher confesses his love to you, then you grope me?! And those filthy floors!!! What is Hogwarts coming to these days?"  
  
Harry, deeply embaressed and now lying on the floor with Professor Lupin glaring down at him, stammered a protest. "I...I didn't...and Snape doesn't love ME! He loves the Weasleys! And pretty much every female in the school..."  
"Riiight. Then what was the whole butt-grabbing business?" Remus said, rubbing the seat of his pants as to remove the lingering discomfort.  
"I didn't know that was what it was!"  
"Of course you didn't..."  
"Really!"  
Flushing, Harry sprang to hid feet and took off again, disappearing down a darkened corridor.  
Flushing as well, Remus jogged away in the direction of his office.  
Flushing also (or course. We're all comformists), Snape danced his way through the halls in no particular direction.  
  
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I am so frightened now. Please review!!! ^.~ 


	5. Secrets Revealed

Wierd Things at Hogwarts: The Sequel  
Chapter 5  
  
By MeowthHB  
  
Disclaimer: I own Ms. Rekin. And I severely apologize for how screwed up this story is...oh my freaking heck it's wrong...  
  
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Later that night, at the Slytherin dorm...  
  
Harry and Ron stood at the house entrance, unable to get inside. Just then Hermione ran up in Pokemon pajamas. "Sorry I'm late, Colin Creevey wanted a signed photograph of me in the nude." She apologized. Then, turning the entrance, spoke, "Severus is a lady's man!" and the door swung open. The three children entered.  
Snape was in kawaii black jammies, Draco in purple ones, McGonnagall in green, and Dumbledore in periwinkle. "Hello!" Albus said, "First for a game of truth or dare! I'll go first...Ron!"  
Ron sat on the floor with the rest of them, wearing orange PJ's. "Yeah?"  
"Truth or dare?"  
"Uhm...dare."  
"I dare you to make out with Severus in the closet."  
Weasley glanced at Snape, who blushed wildly. "Headmaster...uhm...I don't...I mean...*Bleep*!"  
"WATCH YOUR MOUTH OR I'LL HAVE YOU NEUTERED TOO!" Albus roared. Minerva and Hermione tittered like school girls (oh wait Hermione IS a school girl...o.o'')  
Without another word, Snape grabbed Ron and dragged him into a closet. They returned after ten minutes and sat down. Ron turned to Herm. "Truth or dare?"  
"Truth."  
"Okay...uhm...what guys have you fantasized about?"  
She thought a moment, then said, "You, Harry, Colin, Snape, Draco, Lucius, Albus, Justin, Seamus, Neville, Crabbe, Goyle, Cedric, Nearly-Headless Nick, the Fat Friar..." The list went on. pretty much every male she'd met she said. Suddenyl the window was shattered as a large body burst through it.  
Hermione gasped, eyes wide. "BUCKBEAK!!!"  
The hippogriff landed on the floor, Sirius on his back. "Yes, I've returned, you wench! You said you loved me! Didn't all those times mean anything to you?!" (I told you the father of Herm's might've been Buckbeak!)  
She looked around at the others for help, but they said nothing. "Uhm...they did! But...I loved Draco more...and Snape...and I only really wanted to be with you so I could be with Black!"  
Sirius looked at her. "Me?! But...but...I love...Narcissia!"  
Granger wailed. "BUT I LOVE YOU!!!" But then suddenly Buckbeak grabbed her and flew out the window, leaving Black behind. Everyone sat in confusion, then Dumbledore piped up "Well then, since she's gone, I suppose it'll be Sirius' turn since he's a newcomer!"  
But then before the ex-con could say anything, Lucius and Narcissia appeared. "Padfoot, you CAN'T love Narccy, she's my wife!" But Mrs. Malfoy flung herself onto Sirius and started kissing him. "I love you so much! I always have! I want to have your baby!" And then they ran into the girl's dorm. Lucius attempted to follow to get his wife back, but McGonnagall stopped him. "I told you to stay out of the girl's form!" She screeched.  
"But my wife-!"  
"No buts, boy!"  
"But-"  
With that, she sat down, pulled him with her, and spanked him soundly.  
Totally oblivious to the chaos around him, Albus looked at his watch and said "Look! It's midnight! Now that it's the next day, I can take Severus to be neutered!"  
Snape jumped up and started to run, but Albus used the Totalus Petrificus charm and froze him solid. Heaving the stiff body over his head, the headmaster jogged out and towards the veterinary.  
"DADDY!!!" Draco cried and pried his father off of Minerva's knees. She eyed him speculatively. "Did you just say 'daddy'?"  
"Uhm...no."  
"Yes you did."  
"Nuh uh."  
"Fifty points from Slytherin for saying I'm wrong!"  
Draco started crying because he's a big fat pansy. "I WANT MY SLUTTY MOMMY!"  
"Draco, your mother's a whore and a bitch."  
"SHE IS NOT!"  
"YES I AM!" Narcissia had appeared again, and she was, indeed, a female dog. "I'm a weredog! And I'm in heat! Ron, please mate with me! You too, Harry.  
Draco gasps. "Does that mean I'm a weredog too?!" She shook her head, fuzzy ears flopping. "No. You're a were-..."  
  
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What kind of were is Draco?! Honestly, I don't know! I need suggestions! REVIEW!!!  
  
~*~*Jo Jo Bynx~*~*~ 


	6. Lycanthropes Aplenty

Wierd Things at Hogwarts: The Sequel  
  
Chapter 6  
  
MeowthHB  
  
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"Draco, you're a werebunnyfly."  
His mouth dropped. "What?! What the heck is a bunnyfly anyway?"  
"It's a rabbit with butterfly wings, bean brain." She snapped. He blinked. "Why haven't full moons affected me before?" He asked.  
"Uh...just...because...stop asking stupid questions!"  
Suddenly Draco turned into a white rabbit with blue butterfly wings. His eyes widened. "Ack! This is wierd! I wanna be human again!" He whined. Narcissia smacked him upside the head.  
"Shut up, brat!" She screeched, "You have to wait until sun-up!" He pouted but didn't complain any further. Suddenly Minerva jumped up. "Remus!!! He hasn't taken his potion because Snape was busy dancing in the halls!" She gasped. Everyone looked panicked, except for Narcissia, who bolted out of the room and down the dark hallway...  
  
Remus was sitting in his office, trying to forget about the "incident" with Harry, when suddenly remembered something. "Tonight's a full moon!" He looked around frantically for a sign that Snape hadn't forgotten to make his potion again, but with no luck. "Oh no!!!" He cried just before he morphed into a wolf, bashed his door down, and padded down the halls looking for prey. But then he smelled the most wonderful, intoxicating, alluring scent possible.  
A female dog in heat.  
His wolfy instincts taking over completely, he jogged over to investigate. There she was, the most beautiful specimen he'd ever seen - silky, shiny, golden coat, and deep, amber eyes. She had the most perfect canine build he'd ever seen.  
But how could he win the heart of such a lovely lady such as she, him being only a lowly werewolf? Courtship dance? Butt-sniffing? A box of chocolates? No, he thought, I'll attract her with a mating call.  
He marched up in front of her, cleared his throat, and began a love song.  
"When the moon hits your eyes, like a big pizza pie, it's amorray!"  
  
Everyone in the Slytherin common room heard a loud howling. "It's Lupin! Oh no! He must've found prey!" Hermione said.  
"I'll go stop him!" McGonagall cried, pulling out her wand and racing towards the sound. She expected to see a furry beast, tearing the innards out of some poor, defenseless student, but instead she found...  
  
"Oh sh**!" Lupin and Narcissia said at once and hopped away from each other, flushing beneath their fur.  
  
"If you're going to go do that, get a room. Yeesh, animals and their constant mating..." Minerva said, stomping off and 'sheathing' her wand in her robes.  
"Did you stop him?" Ron asked anxiously once she got back.  
"He wasn't eating anyone. He was making love to Mrs. Malfoy." She replied curtly, sitting down again on the floor.  
"My mommy is a whore!!!" Draco screamed, sobbing.  
"Did you just say 'mommy'?" Hermione asked.  
"Uh, no."  
"Yes you did."  
"Oh shut up."  
"Kids, kids, stop fighting! This is supposed to be a happy slumber party. Let's play a game to take our minds off things, shall we?" McGonagall said. "...but no more truth or dare."  
"How about BS?" Hermione suggested, whipping out a deck of playing cards. Everyone nodded. Then Harry piped up "Strip BS!"  
  
...an hour later...  
"BS!" Herm said as Ron played a so-called pair of Kings. He winced and added the whole discard pile to his hand.  
"Come on, Weasley, you gotta lose an article of clothing too." She said.  
"But all I have on are my panties!" He protested.  
"...how the heck did he end up wearing my underwear..." Minerva mumbled under her breath, just now realizing she was in his boxers.  
Groaning, he reluctantly removed his last article of clothing and threw it behind him. Hermione was the only one still wearing all but her socks and shirt...Harry had on his underwear, Minerva was in her pants, underwear, and socks, and Draco was in a red top hat. (Somehow he'd turned back to human form even though the sun hadn't risen yet.)  
Harry went next. "Four aces."  
  
...eight hours later...  
Remus blinked his eyes open. He was in a bed. The last thing he remembered was sitting in his office. Everything in-between was a blank.  
"Nnn...good morning, Schnugglefoofypies." He heard a woman say. His eyes slowly lowered to the blonde lady lying snuggled against him, still mostly asleep.  
"Uhm...Miss...would you mind telling me what happened last night?" He asked. She opened her gray eyes and looked up at him.  
"I don't see how someone could forget something like that." Was her only reply before she drifted back into slumber. He went red in the face. "Oh...no...oh no...oh no oh no oh no...oh no..." He said. He slid away from her and searched in the dim morning light peeking in from the window for some clothes. "Ugh...stupid Snape...stupid lycanthropy...ergh..." He finally found something and put it on, then stumbled out of the room and into a hallway. Good, he was still in Hogwarts, at least.  
Colin Creevey walked up and took his picture, then ran off. Justin Finch-Fletchley strolled up. "You're hot." He said.  
"I'm a man, you little freak-child!" Remus replied.  
"Then why are you in that?" The boy said, pointing to Lupins' wardrobe. The werewolf looked down at what he was wearing.  
A dress!!!  
  
----  
  
Oh me, oh my, that was a very wrong chapter. Please review and give me suggestions for future chapters, my imagination is wearing thin.  
Special thanks to:  
Abby, for the butterfly and bunny ideas.  
Mina, for the hilarious roleplay we had.  
Evie, for her great stories that inspired me to write the first Wierd Things at Hogwarts.  
Alla my review-happy fans, for telling me to write more. ^.^  
J.K. Rowling...I don't need to explain this one...  
  
~*~*~Jo Jo Bynx~*~*~ 


	7. So Very, Very Wrong

Wierd Things at Hogwarts: The Sequel  
Chapter 7  
MeowthHB  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own anything. Not even sanity. Ph33r me. Rawr.  
  
----  
  
Harry woke up as a chill breeze blew through the room...and it was most certainly noticable since he wasn't wearing anything. He sat up and threw on some robes, then looked at Draco, who was wearing a bra. What the bleep was he doing in a bra?! Harry wondered. And whose bra was it?  
"Potter...why are you staring at me?"  
Harry just now noticed Draco was awake. "Whose bra is that?" Harry asked.  
"Yours."  
"...I don't have a bra."  
"Yes you do. I found this in your bed."  
Harry remained silent. He didn't own a bra. How did one get on his bed? He honestly didn't know.  
"Draco...read the name written on the inside. There has to be one." He suggested. Malfoy took the bra off and read it. "Ginny Weasley." He said.  
"...Ginny's flat, she doesn't need a bra. And why the heck did she put one on my bed anyway?!"  
"I don't know. Hey, I dare you to poke McGonagall's butt before she wakes up." Draco replied. Then, handing the lacy pink bra to Harry, said, "With this on your head."  
Not wanting to be called a chicken, Harry tied the bra onto his head and slowly, quietly crawled towards sleeping McGonagall who was wearing nothing but Potter's boxers. He reached out and poked her behind, then scurried back over to his sleeping bag. She didn't respond at first.  
Suddenly she sat up, holding a knife (how she got one remains a mystery) and with a quick downward slice, castrated them both.  
  
Ron woke to two horrible screams. One masculine, one feminine.  
"Hermione? Harry?" He asked, sitting up quickly. But Hermione was still asleep, somehow. Oh. Draco. Of course.  
"What the bleep?!?! Professor! You...you..." Before he finished, he fainted at the sight of the other boys' blood.  
"I feel violated." Draco whined.  
"I feel unmale." Harry moaned.  
"I feel dirty." Minerva commented. "Harry, since you no longer meet the school's requirements to be considered a boy, you have to sleep in the girl's dorm." Hermione shrieked like a banshee. "I AM NOT GOING TO SHARE A DORM WITH THAT BRAT!" She screamed, waking up Ron again.  
Ron reasserted what'd happened and quickly bolted from the room and down the halls...and ran full-tilt into Snape. Or so it seemed. It looked more like a woman cosplaying as Severus.  
"Snape? Is that you?" Ron asked.  
"Yes. But I'm a woman now. I started a weretransformation during the...er...operation...and they somehow turned me into a girl. Now that I'm female, I want to make love to you."  
It was far too early in the morning for Ron to be hearing this. "Uhm...?"  
"And where's your father? I want to make love to him too. And your brothers." Snape continued.  
"Er...in the Gryffindor house...and at the Burrow..." Ron said.  
"Okay!" And with that, the professorette sped off, singing merrily to 'her'self.  
  
Harry, Draco, Ron, and Hermione stumbled into class, which was Herbology. As they entered the greenhouse, Ms. Sprout nearly jumped out of her skin. "Children! How dare you come to class like that! I demand you wear proper clothes!" She shouted, waving around a plant with her single arm.  
"Huh?" The kids asked in unison. Then it dawned on them.  
Harry's robes were actually Slytherin robes and he still had a bra on his head. Ron was still nude. Draco was in Gryffindor robes, and Hermione had somehow ended up wearing his boxers on her head...and also wearing McGonagall's dress.  
However, glancing at Ron, Sprout blushed right up to her ears. "Why, aren't you looking fine today..." She drawled.  
"Hey, I'M the one who drawls!" Draco whined, stomping a foot.  
"Shut up, and 300 points from Slytherin for being a brat." She snapped, whapping him with the plant. He sniffled and his lip trembled, but he said no more.  
"And as for YOU..." She said, turning her gaze to Ron, "A thousand points for Gryffindor for being the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!" And with the last word, she threw the herb straight into the air and it ended up smacking Harry in the face.  
"Why are teachers suddenly hitting on me?" Ron said, flushing.  
"Because you're very, very attractive." Harry said.  
"I've always wanted you, Weasley." Draco chimed in. Hermione looked at them like they were psychotic, which is understandable. Ron was now extremely frightened.  
"NO! He's mine! I saw him first!" Sprout shrieked. "You two boys get away from him! MINE!" She suddenly pounced on Harry and slapped the begobbles out of him. Draco walked up to a vine plant and kissed its flower blossom. "I love you, you wonderful woman!" He said, smooching the plant more. Hermione screamed with terror and fled the greenhouse.  
After beating Harry to a pulp and stomping on what remains of his crotch, Sprout then pounced in Ron's general direction.  
  
Pomfrey was sitting in the Hospital Wing playing darts with hypodermic needles when suddenly a very fat Mrs. Snape burst in. "I'm having a baby!"  
"Well lie down on the bed and push it out, you stupid git!" Poppy replied. Severus complied and in a few moments, she was holding three little babies. One had red hair, black eyes, the other had black hair, red eyes, and the last had pink hair and rainbow eyes. "What do I name them?" Snape asked idly.  
Pomfrey shrugged and said the first words that came to mind. "Ting, Tang, and Walla-walla-bing-bang."  
"Okay!"  
"Now get out of here and take your mutant children with you!" Pomfrey shouted, ushering the mother-of-three out of the Wing, then continued playing darts.  
  
Remus was terribly lost in Hogwarts.  
Wandering down hallway after hallway that all seemed identical, he barely could even tell up from down anymore. Looking down past the railing of the staircase he stood on and staring at what seemed like an infinite number of staircases descending into utter darkness, he yelled with all his might.  
"Help me! I'm looost!" ((A/N: Heheh. I'd like someone to name what movie/book I got that from.))  
But then he heard a voice.  
He dashed along the corridor towards the voice and flung open the door to himself in Filch's office. Argus was...making out with Mrs. Norris.  
"Filch! What are you doing to your poor cat?!" Lupin cried, apalled at the sight.  
"It-it's not what you think!" Argus replied, disembracing from the feline. "Er...when did you decide to start crossdressing?" He commented, glancing at the were's dress.  
"I didn't...I accidentily put it on...and if it wasn't what I was thinking, whatever I might have been thinking, then what was it?"  
"Mrs. Norris is...well...you see...she was an unregistered animagus, but something went wrong and she was stuck in animal form. She was my lover. Being a Squib, I couln't change her back, and I couldn't go to the Ministry either because her transformation itself was illegal..." Argus explained.  
"Well, I can fix her." He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the cat. He uttered the incantation and she began to transform...  
  
----  
  
Bahaha. That's the end. :P Quite a cliffhanger, eh? Well, my thanks go out to everyone I mentioned last time as well as:  
Amber, for the multiple Weasley baby/Ting, Tang, Walla-wall-bing-bang ideas.  
  
~*~*~Jo Jo Bynx~*~*~ 


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